


Holding On and Letting Go

by katebishoop



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode Tag, F/M, Season/Series 03 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-18 10:21:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5924905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katebishoop/pseuds/katebishoop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone Bellamy Blake has ever loved has left him.<br/>He’s accepted that.</p><p>Spoilers for 3x03 "Ye Who Enter Here."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding On and Letting Go

_It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't_

_It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed_

* * *

 The fresh air feels is a welcome to Bellamy as he exits Mount Weather. He knows that opening up the place could be a good thing, but.

Seeing those from Farm Station eating at the tables? It had been too surreal. The last time he had been in there, the people sitting at those tables had been dead, and he took part in killing them.

But he didn’t come out here for him. He took in a breath and turned around, and there she was, sitting on top of the entry way.

“You okay?” he asks her, but she just looks away. Bellamy sighs and climbs up the latter, his leg aching all the way.

“It’s such a mistake,” Octavia says after he sits down next to her, “the Grounders will never accept it.”

Bellamy shakes his head, “We’re not the Mountain Men, O. Nyko and Lincoln will make them see that.”

“How? Lincoln has a kill order on him. He can’t even leave camp without risking his life.”

“The summit will take care of that,” he tries to reassure her.

“Then we can finally get out of here.”

Her words hit him like a cold windsnap, and when he looks over at her, he can tell from the look on her face - closed eyes, her mouth parted almost like a gape, like she can’t believe it either - that she didn’t mean to say that outloud.

Octavia swallows. “I’m sorry, Bell, but I don’t fit in here.”

He knew this day would come. He couldn’t keep her to himself forever, and he had never imagined they would part like this, willingly, on the ground. But in a strange way being here on Earth made him all the more sure. He could see it in Octavia’s eyes, in everything she did, that she wasn’t comfortable in Arkadia. She didn’t see it as a home, just as a bigger box. Octavia’s heart was too big for all that. Still, he had hoped, that he would be enough. That his presence be enough to make the place a home for her, but. His sister deserved the world, deserved not to be confined by walls or borders.

Knowing that is enough for him to keep his heart from breaking even more, for the time being, at least.

Bellamy gives her a small nod, “If you need to leave… I get that.” And he does get that, he truly does. He has accepted that those he loves most in his life will surely leave him, one way or another, yet despite knowing that, he always has hope that they will return to him, eventually, when they are ready,“but you’ll always fit in with me.”

Octavia squeezes his hand, and he cherishes the comfort it brings him while it still can.

But a twig snaps and cuts their moment short and it brings him back to reality. It reminds him: they are at war. 

* * *

_"Bellamy?”_

Her voice immediately draws his attention in the crowded summit chamber that they just burst into, guns ablazing.

 _What have they done to her?_ She doesn’t look like person he saw tied up just a week ago, she doesn’t even look like herself. She looks unharmed, at least.

“The summit’s a trap,” he announces, and holds his pistol a little tighter to the grounder’s head, and then he addresses Clarke and Clarke alone: “we need to get you out of here.”

It’s chaos around him, and he can’t stop thinking about Clarke. His eyes drift around but the focal point is her. He can’t stop himself from being drawn back in.

But then it gets quiet, and Echo is gone and any relief he felt quickly faded away. “What's going on? Where the hell is she?”

When they tell him to stand down, he does. He shoves the grounder away. This cannot be happening. Echo had saved his life; he had trusted her-

“Bellamy, Bellamy, come in.” Raven’s voice crackling over the radio brings him out of his thoughts. “The grounders attacked Mount Weather.”

Bellamy’s whole body goes rigid. His eyes, his glare, never leaves Lexa’s face as he lifts up the radio to respond to Raven. “What are you talking about?”

“It’s gone. It’s gone. They’re all gone.” Raven’s sobs are the only sound in the room. Even from miles away, he can hear the pain in her voice. His gut lurches. No, that can’t be. That can’t be.

“Sinclair and I are the only ones left.” Bellamy feels like he’s been punched in the gut as her words wash over him. “I’m so sorry.”

_Gina._

“I’m so sorry.”

_Gina’s dead._

Gina was supposed to be the one thing, the one person, in his life who was safe from all of this. She was uninvolved, separate. There were so many things that he hadn’t been able to tell her.

And now she was dead.

“Clarke, we need to leave now.” Bellamy knows that if Clarke wasn’t around that he wouldn’t be able to stand up on his own two feet right now. He can still help her, he can still save her. This all couldn’t be for nothing.

Lexa is the one who responds, and her voice is steel: “We need an ambassador from the 13th clan to stay here in Polis.”

Bellamy shifts his gaze back to Clarke, “It’s not safe here.”

“Clarke will be safe here under my protection.”

Bellamy’s hand twitches for his gun.

Clarke finally speaks up, “I have to stay.”

No, this is not happening again. _“Clarke.”_

“I have to make sure she keeps her word.” It feels like a dismissal. People are shifting all around him but Bellamy doesn’t move. She says goodbye to her mother, and to Kane. Pike places a hand on his shoulder as he passes, a silent I know, I’m sorry, but Bellamy doesn’t follow his people out.

He steps closer to Clarke, and he has to ask himself again: what have they done to her?

“She left us to die in that mountain. She will always put her people first.” Bellamy is holding on by a thread. There are only so many more times that he can ask this: “You should come home to yours.”

He had let her go all those months ago because he understood her, that she needed time. But this, he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand how after all this, after everything, she could chose to remain here. She had left so she could figure out how to forgive herself, not change herself. They were supposed to be in this together. He… he almost had her.

Octavia was going to leave him. Gina was dead. Clarke... he couldn't lose Clarke too. He can't lose yet another person he loves.

Clarke is looking at him, and he can tell that’s she’s trying to communicate with him like they used to, before. But she’s speaking a whole different language, one that he’ll never understand. “I’m sorry.”

Bellamy remembers the person who he had tried to save, the person that he was just last week willing to give up his life for, to travel to the ends of the earth, again, for. He remembers her words, her heartbreaking words that cut through him worse than the knife to his leg: _I'll do anything. I... I'll stop fighting. Just please don't kill him._

His eyes flicker to Lexa, standing silently in the background. He promises himself that one day, he’s going to put a bullet in her head.

He looks back at Clarke one last time, and he thinks this could really be the last time.

As he’s walking away, the question becomes: _what has she done to herself?_

That last thread of hope that was keeping him from unraveling? She’s cut that thread. 

Bellamy was on his own.

* * *

_Some prayers find an answer_

_Some prayers never know_

_We're holding on and letting go_

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't rewatch this episode before writing this (and tbh I'm probably never going to), so some dialouge in that last bit may be a bit off. This is also mostly train of thought and I didn't reread this carefully before posting.
> 
> the song iused here is [Holding On and Letting Go](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EU5La9uGFs)by Ross Copperman 
> 
> come hang out over on [tumblr](http://bellakeyblake.tumblr.com)!


End file.
